Paralysed By Cosmological Issues

At the moment I'm distanced enough from reality to be able to write something down about all of this junk. Maybe it's because my stomach's full of a roast beef sandwich that's taken all the blood away from my brain. However, I still remember the thoughts, so I can recount them even though I'm not currently experiencing them.

Found myself standing in the middle of my room at about 2am. Completely paralysed. Not sure how long it lasted. Quite a while. The true meaning of any potential action completely eluded me. So why should I even move? Even something like the idea of writing down my thoughts seemed purely pointless and meaningless. A mere distraction. Action was far less important than thought. But where should I direct my thought? Why should I direct my thought? I don't know - but I can't stop thinking, so surely I'm supposed to direct it somewhere. What is the goal of sending my thoughts one way or the other? How can I reach a conclusion? It has to be a satisfying conclusion that allows me to live. Faking my way out of this state seems wrong; maybe even morally wrong - a denial of the truth. Somehow I eventually managed to move. I sat on my bed. I read some more. Sometimes, all of this is so powerful that even the act of reading in search of answers seems like a distraction from reality, masquerading as something true and worthwhile. Presently my great fear is that I will not find the true way out of this state. This fear is exacerbated by the fact that the world doesn't care whether or not people find the true way out. The world is more concerned with being comfortable. And a world that is concerned with being comfortable wants other people to be comfortable with it. Not necessarily 'comfort rather than truth', which implies the two are mutually exclusive, but perhaps 'comfort via a truth-bypass: the simplest way is good enough'. But it is not good enough.

I don't know. I am freaking confused.

Not much sleep. Woke up after a nightmare. It was really about 6:15, but in my dream it had been 3am. Apparently that's the best o'clock to carry out murders. That's what I believed in nightmare land. Less people are awake at 3am. I think this is a similar deal to the "It's 4 in the morning; Mother don't know that I'm going far away..." of Alice Childress. At midnight, people are still awake. At 1am people are still awake. And at 5am people are getting up. That's why 3am is the best time for murder. Something or someone had convinced me that there were three people I had to kill. I don't even know what it was that was so convincing. In my awake state, it's pretty hard to think of a real reason I would kill anyone. The nightmare was me killing the three people. It was terrible. When I was doing it, I managed to distance myself from what I was actually doing. Even when I was "cleaning up", I tried to not think about what I had done. One of the three was someone close. I tried to distance myself from the idea that I had actually caused the grief I knew I'd have to endure later. But for some reason, it was a thing that the grief wouldn't kick in until others had woken up to find the mess. And I made a conscious decision to let someone else deal with the body here. As I was thinking about that, I suddenly felt terrible about what had happened. I regretted it and wished I could undo it all. That's when real thoughts started melding with the nightmare. I managed to convince myself that I wouldn't really murder anyone, and forced myself to wake up. Took me a while to realise the difference between nightmare and reality. Couldn't risk going back to sleep, so went for a walk. The flies were prolific. Other morning walkers were carrying fly-ridding pieces of leafy twig stuff. It was already really warm at 6:30. Mostly separated from the feelings of the nightmare now. But when I thought I'd recovered, close to home I saw a dead pigeon on the footpath and it made death seem real again. Argh.

Whoa. I later realised that this is my 57th post. (For everyone who knows what that means...)

Howl's Moving Castle is purchase-worthy.